Chapter 18 - I Almost Walked Away
Ethan proposed three years after the gala.
Not at the mansion.
Not beneath chandeliers.
Not in front of photographers.
In my apartment kitchen.
I was washing dishes.
He was drying.
Very glamorous.
He suddenly said, “I want to marry you.”
I laughed.
“That is a strange way to propose.”
Then I turned.
He had a ring.
My chest tightened.
I did not say yes.
Not immediately.
Because fear returned.
Not fear of Ethan.
Fear of becoming what Vanessa had accused me of becoming.
Replacement.
Intruder.
Woman who took someone else’s family.
“I can’t.”
His face fell.
Then he nodded.
“Okay.”
No anger.
No pressure.
That almost made it worse.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“I love Lily.”
“I know.”
“I loved her before I loved you.”
“I know that too.”
Tears filled my eyes.
“What if she thinks I’m replacing Claire?”
“She doesn’t.”
“What if Caleb thinks—”
“He doesn’t.”
“What if people say Vanessa was right?”
Ethan put the ring on the counter.
“People already say things.”
“I know.”
“You cannot build your life around disproving someone who abused us.”
The sentence hit hard.
I sat.
He sat across from me.
“Rachel.”
I looked up.
“Vanessa does not get to decide.”
I laughed through tears.
Our family sentence.
He smiled.
“She doesn’t decide whether Lily talks about Claire.”
He touched my hand.
“She doesn’t decide whether Caleb loves David and me.”
Another pause.
“She does not decide whether you love me.”
I cried harder.
Annoying man.
I still asked for time.
He gave it.
The next week I talked to Lily.
Not about the proposal.
About family.
She was eight.
Smart enough to notice everything.
“Do you think I try to be your mom?”
She looked horrified.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You’re Rachel.”
There it was again.
“What if I married Daddy?”
She stared.
Then screamed.
I jumped.
“Good scream?”
“Yes!”
She ran in a circle.
I grabbed her.
“Stop!”
“You marry Daddy!”
“Maybe!”
She froze.
“Maybe?”
“I’m thinking.”
Her face became serious.
“Why?”
I told her as much truth as an eight-year-old needed.
“I never want you to feel like loving me means loving Mommy less.”
Lily stared at me.
Then walked upstairs.
I thought I had upset her.
She returned carrying Claire’s photograph.
She placed it between us.
“This Mommy.”
“Yes.”
She pointed at me.
“This Rachel.”
“Yes.”
Then she pointed toward herself.
“This me.”
I nodded.
She frowned.
“Why grown-ups make everything hard?”
I laughed so loudly Ethan heard from another room.
Lily continued.
“I love Caleb.”
“Yes.”
“And Daddy.”
“Yes.”
“And Grandma Grace.”
“Yes.”
“And Grandma Evelyn.”
Ethan’s mother had returned strongly to Lily’s life after finally apologizing for believing Vanessa.
“Yes.”
“And you.”
My eyes filled.
“Okay.”
“So?”
I hugged her.
“Children are sometimes smarter than adults.”
“I know.”
That evening I called Ethan.
“Yes.”
Silence.
Then:
“Yes what?”
“Do not make me repeat this.”
I heard him laugh.
“You’re saying yes?”
“Yes.”
He was at my apartment twelve minutes later.
I accused him of speeding.
He denied it badly.
The wedding was planned for the following spring.
Small.
Family only.
Then Vanessa’s name appeared again.
She filed a request from prison asking to communicate with Lily before the marriage.
Her argument claimed Lily might be psychologically confused by a new stepmother.
I nearly walked away from the wedding.
Again.
Ethan became furious.
Not at me.
At Vanessa.
“She is still doing it.”
“What?”
“Controlling us by making us react.”
He was right.
Lily’s therapist evaluated the request.
The court denied it.
Lily had no desire for contact.
Vanessa’s feelings did not override Lily’s safety.
That should have ended it.
Instead I spent one terrible night asking whether marrying Ethan made me selfish.
Grace found me the next morning.
She listened.
Then said something I never forgot.
“Claire wanted Lily surrounded by people who loved her.”
I looked at her.
“You knew your daughter.”
“Yes.”
“Would she hate me?”
Grace smiled sadly.
“She might have found you irritating.”
I laughed.
“She had opinions.”
“Apparently genetic.”
We looked toward Lily arguing with Ethan outside.
Grace touched my hand.
“But she would never ask her daughter to reject love out of loyalty to a ghost.”
I cried.
Grace hugged me.
It was the first time.
When we separated, she said:
“You are not replacing Claire.”
Then she smiled.
“And if you ever try, I’ll haunt you before she does.”
“Comforting.”
“I try.”
May you like
The wedding stayed on the calendar.
For the first time, I stopped asking what Vanessa would think.
