[CHAPTER 14]
Vanessa asked to see me.
My answer was no.
Then Arthur told me why.
“She wants to tell you something about Claire that she refuses to put in writing.”
“She can tell police.”
“She already has.”
“Then I don’t need to hear it.”
Arthur studied me.
“Maybe you do.”
I hated when he sounded like Claire.
I agreed to one meeting.
Police facility.
Attorney present.
No contact with the children.
Vanessa entered wearing jail-issued clothing.
I had never seen her look so small.
For a second, memory betrayed me.
Our first date.
Our wedding.
Sunday mornings.
The way she used to steal my coffee.
Then I remembered Noah’s notebook.
Memory lost its power.
She sat across from me.
“Thank you for coming.”
“You have ten minutes.”
Her eyes filled.
“You hate me.”
“I don’t know what I feel.”
That was true.
Hatred required energy I no longer wanted to spend on her.
Vanessa looked down.
“I didn’t marry you because of my father.”
I said nothing.
“I know you think that.”
“Does it matter?”
“To me.”
“That hasn’t been the standard lately.”
She flinched.
“I loved you.”
“Maybe.”
“I did.”
“Then what happened?”
She stared at her hands.
“My father.”
“No.”
Her head lifted.
“No?”
“I’m done letting everyone use Gregory as the answer for their own choices.”
Her face tightened.
“He controlled me my whole life.”
“I believe that.”
“He made me afraid.”
“I believe that too.”
“He threatened to expose me.”
“Yes.”
“But none of that put your hand on Noah.”
Vanessa began crying.
I continued.
“None of that locked Lily in a room.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
She covered her face.
“I hated them.”
The admission was quieter than every excuse.
I waited.
“They reminded you of Claire.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because Claire wasn’t afraid of my father.”
Vanessa lowered her hands.
“She looked at me like I was weak.”
“Did she say that?”
“No.”
“Then maybe that was you.”
She nodded.
“I think it was.”
For the first time, Vanessa was speaking without defending herself.
“I watched her refuse him over and over. I watched her keep digging after Ethan died. I kept thinking she was stupid.”
Her voice cracked.
“But really I hated her because she was doing what I never did.”
“Saying no.”
“Yes.”
I almost felt sorry for her.
Almost.
“Why did you hurt the kids?”
She swallowed.
“When Noah looked at me, he looked like Claire.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I wanted the key. He wouldn’t tell me where it was. Lily cried all the time. I couldn’t control anything.”
Her eyes filled again.
“So I controlled them.”
There it was.
Ugly.
Simple.
True.
I leaned back.
“What did you need to tell me about Claire?”
Vanessa went still.
“The day before her crash, she called me.”
My chest tightened.
“She said she had made copies of everything.”
“I know.”
“She also told me she was leaving.”
“What?”
Vanessa nodded.
“She planned to take Noah and Lily to Arthur’s sister in Vermont for a few weeks.”
I stared at her.
“She was going to run.”
“Yes.”
My throat closed.
Noah had asked why Claire didn’t leave.
She had tried.
Vanessa continued.
“She asked me to help.”
“Did you?”
“No.”
Of course.
“I told her she was being dramatic.”
My jaw tightened.
“She said Gregory knew she had the recorder.”
Vanessa looked down.
“I called my father.”
I stopped breathing.
“You told him she was leaving.”
“Yes.”
My hands curled.
“That’s why Curtis followed her.”
Vanessa started sobbing.
“I didn’t know!”
“You knew Gregory had threatened her.”
“Yes.”
“You knew about Ethan.”
“I suspected.”
“You knew about the brake line.”
“Yes.”
“And you called him.”
“Yes.”
For several seconds, I couldn’t speak.
Vanessa looked at me.
“I didn’t mean for her to die.”
“That sentence doesn’t help.”
“I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
I stood.
She panicked.
“Daniel, wait.”
I looked down at her.
“Claire was trying to get her children out.”
“I know.”
“And you told the man she was running from.”
“I know.”
She sounded broken.
Good.
Some truths should break people.
“I’m testifying,” she said.
“You should.”
“Against my father.”
“You should.”
“I’ll tell them everything.”
“That doesn’t earn forgiveness.”
“I know.”
“Or the children.”
Her face collapsed.
“I know.”
I walked toward the door.
Then she said, “Claire said something else.”
I stopped.
“What?”
Vanessa wiped her face.
“She said if anything happened, you’d blame yourself.”
Of course.
“She said you always think loving people means you should’ve predicted what would hurt them.”
My throat tightened.
“She told me I was wrong about you.”
I turned.
“What does that mean?”
“I told her you’d get tired of raising someone else’s children.”
Anger flashed.
Vanessa looked ashamed.
“She said, ‘Daniel never gets tired of loving people. He gets tired because of it.’”
I couldn’t breathe for a second.
That was such a Claire sentence.
Sharp.
Annoying.
True.
Vanessa continued.
“She said Noah would test you.”
I almost smiled.
“She said Lily would climb into your bed and steal all the blankets.”
That had already happened.
“She said you’d burn pancakes.”
That too.
“And she said someday you’d realize they weren’t a promise you made to her.”
Vanessa’s voice softened.
“They’d just be yours.”
I left before she saw me cry.
That evening, I sat with Noah.
“I learned something about your mom.”
He immediately tensed.
“What?”
“She was planning to leave town.”
His eyes widened.
“With us?”
“Yes.”
His mouth opened.
Nothing came out.
“She was trying to get you away from Gregory.”
Noah looked down.
“I said she should’ve left.”
“She was going to.”
His eyes filled.
“So she picked us?”
I understood exactly what he needed.
“Yes.”
His face crumpled.
“She picked you.”
I held him while months of anger changed shape inside him.
Not disappeared.
Changed.
Later, Lily climbed into my bed and stole almost every blanket.
At two in the morning, I woke freezing.
For once, I smiled.
Claire had known.
May you like
Not everything.
But enough.
