Chapter 3 - The Notebook
I didn't want to read it.
Not because I didn't believe Ava.
Because I already knew every page was going to show me a moment when I had been standing nearby and still hadn't seen what was happening.
The first entry was from November.
Almost two years earlier.
Vanessa said we can't buy the winter boots because mine cost more than Caleb's. Dad doesn't know because I told him I like my old boots.
I remembered those boots.
Ava had worn them until the sole split.
I'd been proud of her for "not caring about brands."
The second entry was worse.
Vanessa said Dad is stressed enough and I shouldn't ask him about the class trip. I told my teacher I didn't want to go.
I looked up.
"What class trip?"
Ava's shoulders curled inward.
"Washington."
My heart sank.
Her sixth-grade class had gone to Washington, D.C.
I remembered asking why she wasn't interested.
She'd said museums were boring.
"You wanted to go?"
She nodded.
"How much was it?"
"Four hundred and eighty dollars."
I could barely speak.
"We could afford that."
"I know."
My stomach turned.
The next page mentioned a birthday party.
Then a summer camp.
Then a new laptop charger.
Small things.
Ordinary things.
The kind of things that can disappear inside a busy family.
Every entry ended the same way.
Don't tell Dad. He's tired.
Don't make Dad choose.
Don't make things harder.
I closed the notebook.
"Ava, why didn't you tell me?"
She looked confused.
"She said you'd get mad."
"At her."
Ava didn't answer.
"She told you I'd get mad at you?"
"Sometimes."
I stood so fast my knee hit the bed.
Ava jumped.
I immediately stopped.
"Sorry."
"It's okay."
"No."
I knelt in front of her.
"It's not okay. None of this is okay."
Tears filled her eyes.
"Are you going to divorce her?"
There it was.
The question a child should never have to ask because of a vacation ticket.
"I don't know what's going to happen yet."
"Caleb will hate me."
"No, he won't."
"Everyone will say I broke the family."
I held her shoulders.
"Listen to me. You didn't break anything by existing."
Her lips trembled.
"If something breaks because somebody finally told the truth, then it was already cracked."
She started crying.
I pulled her into my arms.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For not noticing."
She buried her face against my shirt.
"I thought maybe you agreed with her."
That sentence will probably stay with me forever.
I kissed the top of her head.
"I didn't."
"But you always believed her."
I couldn't argue.
A knock sounded at the door.
Caleb stood there.
His eyes were red.
"Ava?"
She wiped her face.
He walked in.
"I didn't know."
"I know."
"Mom told me you hated flying."
Ava blinked.
"I love flying."
"I know that now."
He looked at the notebook in my hand.
"Is that about Mom?"
Ava froze.
I started to answer, but she did first.
"Some of it."
Caleb sat beside her.
"Did she do stuff before the trip?"
Ava nodded.
His jaw tightened.
"She told me you got more because your mom died."
Ava stared at him.
"What?"
I felt cold again.
Caleb looked at me.
"Mom always said you spoiled Ava because you felt guilty."
"When did she say that?"
"A lot."
He swallowed.
"Mostly when you weren't home."
Ava looked down.
Suddenly Caleb's expression changed.
"Wait."
He stood.
"What?"
I asked.
"Christmas."
He ran out.
Ava and I followed him to his room.
Caleb opened his closet and pulled down a box.
Inside was a gaming headset.
Expensive.
I recognized it.
Vanessa had told me her sister bought it for him.
"Mom bought this."
I stared at him.
"She said Aunt Kelly bought it."
"No."
Caleb shook his head.
"She told me not to tell you because you'd say it was unfair after Ava's laptop broke."
I remembered.
Ava's old laptop had stopped charging two weeks before Christmas.
Vanessa told me repairs would have to wait until January because money was tight.
I had accepted that.
Ava had used a school library computer for three weeks.
"How much was it?"
I asked.
Caleb looked ashamed.
"Like four hundred."
Ava whispered, "It's okay."
"No."
Caleb's voice surprised both of us.
"It's not."
He kicked the box.
"Stop saying that."
Ava stared at him.
Caleb's eyes filled.
"You always say it's okay when Mom does something bad."
Ava looked away.
"Because she's your mom."
"So?"
"I don't want you to hate me."
Caleb stepped closer.
"I don't."
The two of them stood there awkwardly.
Then he hugged her.
Ava stiffened.
A second later, she hugged him back.
I turned away because my eyes were burning.
That was when Vanessa appeared in the doorway.
She had heard enough.
Her face was furious.
"What are you doing?"
Caleb let go of Ava.
"Talking."
"About me?"
I stepped between them.
"Go downstairs, both of you."
Vanessa scoffed.
"Oh, that's healthy. Turn them against me."
"I'm not turning anyone against you."
"You've already done it."
Ava moved past her.
Vanessa caught her arm.
Not hard.
But enough.
"Did you show him that ridiculous notebook?"
I looked at Vanessa's hand.
"Let go."
She did.
Ava hurried away with Caleb.
Vanessa waited until their footsteps disappeared.
Then she looked at me.
"Children exaggerate."
"Did you tell Ava I couldn't afford her class trip?"
Silence.
"Did you?"
"We had expenses."
"Did you buy Caleb a four-hundred-dollar headset that same month?"
Her eyes flashed.
"Those are different things."
"How?"
"Because Caleb had been asking for it for a year."
"Ava had been asking to go to Washington with her class."
"She has a trust fund!"
I stopped.
"What?"
Vanessa crossed her arms.
"Rachel left her money."
My pulse slowed.
"That money is for college."
"Exactly. She has advantages Caleb will never have."
"You've been punishing a twelve-year-old because her dead mother left her college money?"
"I'm balancing things."
"No."
I stepped closer.
"You're keeping score."
Her face hardened.
"You don't understand what it's like watching you build every decision around Rachel's daughter."
I stared at her.
"Her name is Ava."
"You know what I mean."
"No. I don't think I ever did."
Vanessa grabbed her suitcase.
"This marriage is impossible when there's a ghost sitting at the dinner table."
I felt something inside me settle.
Not anger.
Clarity.
"Rachel isn't sitting at our table."
Vanessa looked at me.
"Ava is."
She walked past me.
At the front door, she stopped.
"If I leave tonight, I'm taking Caleb."
My chest tightened.
Before I could answer, Caleb appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"No."
Vanessa stared at him.
"What did you say?"
He swallowed.
"I said I'm not going."
"Caleb."
"I'm staying tonight."
Her face changed.
"You don't get to choose."
"Then call Aunt Kelly."
Vanessa stepped toward him.
"Get your bag."
He backed away.
"No."
I moved between them.
"He's upset. Let him cool down."
Vanessa pointed at me.
"You have no legal right to keep my son from me."
"I know."
The words hurt.
Caleb heard them.
Vanessa did too.
She smiled without warmth.
"Good."
Then she opened the door.
But before leaving, she looked at Ava.
"This is what happens when private family problems get turned into evidence."
Ava went pale.
I stepped forward.
"Leave."
Vanessa walked out.
The door slammed.
Ten minutes later, while Caleb called his aunt, I went downstairs to lock up.
Vanessa's laptop was still on the dining table.
The screen had gone dark.
I wasn't planning to touch it.
Then an email notification appeared.
BAYSHORE FAMILY LAW.
Subject:
Preparing for Your Consultation Regarding Stepchild Assets.
May you like
I stared at those words.
And for the first time that night, the vacation wasn't the thing that scared me most.
