Chapter 4: The Letter## Chapter 4: The Letter Beneath the Floorboards
I stood outside my wife's locked bedroom for Beneath the Floorboards
I stood outside my wife's locked bedroom for nearly a minute, waiting for her to explain what nearly a minute, waiting for her to explain what she had just said.
She didn't.
Instead, I heard the soft scrape of a drawer, she had just said.
She didn't.
Instead, I heard the soft scrape of a drawer, followed by the rustling of clothes. Sarah was packing. Even now followed by the rustling of clothes.
Sarah was packing. Even now, with our marriage splitting open in front of us, she seemed more interested in controlling what happened next than telling, with our marriage splitting open in front of us, she seemed more interested in controlling what happened next than telling me the truth.
I turned toward Jordan.
“Go sit with Michael.””
He looked relieved me the truth.
I turned toward Jordan.
“Go sit with Michael.””
He looked relieved to have something to do.
“Is he going to be okay?””
I studied him.
“ to have something to do.
“Is he going to be okay?””
I studied him.
“He needs somebody who won't lie to him. Can you do that?””
Jordan's eyesHe needs somebody who won't lie to him. Can you do that?””
Jordan's eyes dropped.
“I'm going to try.””
“Don't try to make yourself dropped.
“I'm going to try.””
“Don't try to make yourself look better tonight. Just tell him the truth.””
He nodded and walked toward Michael's bedroom.
I remained outside Sarah's door.
“I'm going downstairs,” I called look better tonight. Just tell him the truth.””
He nodded and walked toward Michael's bedroom.
I remained outside Sarah's door.
“I'm going downstairs,” I called.
“You have until I finish making a phone call to decide whether you want to explain this yourself.””
“You don't get to.
“You have until I finish making a phone call to decide whether you want to explain this yourself.””
“You don't get to give me ultimatums,” she shouted from inside.
“I gave you years of chances to give me ultimatums,” she shouted from inside.
“I gave you years of chances to be honest with me. I'm not giving you another year to decide whether my son deserves the truth.””
I walked downstairs before she could answer.
be honest with me. I'm not giving you another year to decide whether my son deserves the truth.””
I walked downstairs before she could answer.
My hands were shaking by the time I reached the kitchen. I put them flatMy hands were shaking by the time I reached the kitchen. I put them flat against the counter and forced myself to breathe.
My mother, Evelyn, had been gone for two years. Renee had been gone for against the counter and forced myself to breathe.
My mother, Evelyn, had been gone for two years. Renee had been gone for eight. Both women had shaped the person I was, and both had left behind pieces of themselves that I had promised eight. Both women had shaped the person I was, and both had left behind pieces of themselves that I had promised to protect.
Now Sarah was suggesting that my mother to protect.
Now Sarah was suggesting that my mother had told her something about Renee that could destroy our family.
I called my sister Denise again.
She answered immediately.
“Marcus, I found it.””
“Found what?””
“The envelope from Mom's papers. The one I had told her something about Renee that could destroy our family.
I called my sister Denise again.
She answered immediately.
“Marcus, I found it.””
“Found what?””
“The envelope from Mom's papers. The one I mentioned earlier.””
“What's in it?””
“Two letters and a note. I haven't read everything yet, but there's something you mentioned earlier.””
“What's in it?””
“Two letters and a note. I haven't read everything yet, but there's something you need to know.””
“Then tell me.””
Denise hesitated.
“Mom wrote that if Michael need to know.””
“Then tell me.””
Denise hesitated.
“Mom wrote that if Michael ever asked about the box, we were supposed to give him everything together. She didn't want the letters separated from the photographs.””
My throat ever asked about the box, we were supposed to give him everything together. She didn't want the letters separated from the photographs.””
My throat tightened.
“Why didn't she tell me that?””
“Because she left the decision to Michael. She wanted him to have tightened.
“Why didn't she tell me that?””
“Because she left the decision to Michael. She wanted him to have a choice about when he was ready.””
I closed my eyes.
That sounded exactly like my mother.
a choice about when he was ready.””
I closed my eyes.
That sounded exactly like my mother.
She had understood that grief wasn't a door a person walked through once. It was a house with roomsShe had understood that grief wasn't a door a person walked through once. It was a house with rooms you entered at different times, sometimes willingly and sometimes because an old photograph or familiar you entered at different times, sometimes willingly and sometimes because an old photograph or familiar smell opened a door you hadn't realized was still there.
“Did she mention Sarah?””
“Yes smell opened a door you hadn't realized was still there.
“Did she mention Sarah?””
“Yes.””
The answer came so quickly that my eyes opened.
“What did she say?””
Denise lowered.””
The answer came so quickly that my eyes opened.
“What did she say?””
Denise lowered her voice.
“She wrote that Sarah had asked questions about Renee's final her voice.
“She wrote that Sarah had asked questions about Renee's final months. Mom said she didn't want to accuse anybody of anything, but she was worried about the way Sarah talked about Michael's inheritance and the things Renee had left him.””
My stomach tightened.
“Michael months. Mom said she didn't want to accuse anybody of anything, but she was worried about the way Sarah talked about Michael's inheritance and the things Renee had left him.””
My stomach tightened.
“Michael has no inheritance from Renee.””
“Not money. Memories. Letters. Personal things has no inheritance from Renee.””
“Not money. Memories. Letters.
Personal things. Mom was very clear that those belonged to Michael, and that nobody should use them to pressure him.””
I gripped the counter.
“. Mom was very clear that those belonged to Michael, and that nobody should use them to pressure him.””
I gripped the counter.
“Did Mom say what Sarah was looking for?””
“Not in the note. But one of the letters was addressed to youDid Mom say what Sarah was looking for?””
“Not in the note. But one of the letters was addressed to you, Marcus. Mom said it had been written by Renee shortly before she died.””
I stared at the wall.
Renee had written, Marcus. Mom said it had been written by Renee shortly before she died.””
I stared at the wall.
Renee had written me dozens of letters over the years. Birthday cards, notes left beside the coffee maker, little messages me dozens of letters over the years. Birthday cards, notes left beside the coffee maker, little messages tucked into my work bag when we were young and broke and still believed love tucked into my work bag when we were young and broke and still believed love could solve every problem if we tried hard enough.
I had kept some.
Others had disappeared could solve every problem if we tried hard enough.
I had kept some.
Others had disappeared during the move after her funeral.
“What does the letter say?””
“I haven't read it. during the move after her funeral.
“What does the letter say?””
“I haven't read it. It wasn't mine to read.””
I swallowed.
“Can you bring everything It wasn't mine to read.””
I swallowed.
“Can you bring everything over?””
“Of course. But Marcus, there's something else. Mom made me promise over?””
“Of course. But Marcus, there's something else. Mom made me promise not to give you that letter unless Michael agreed.””
I felt the ground shift beneath me.
“Why?””
“She believed it belonged to both of you not to give you that letter unless Michael agreed.””
I felt the ground shift beneath me.
“Why?””
“She believed it belonged to both of you in different ways. It was addressed to you, but she wanted Michael to decide whether he was in different ways. It was addressed to you, but she wanted Michael to decide whether he was ready to hear what his mother had written.””
“That doesn't make sense.””
“Maybe it will when you read her note.””
I looked toward the staircase.
Upstairs, a door opened and closed.
“ ready to hear what his mother had written.””
“That doesn't make sense.””
“Maybe it will when you read her note.””
I looked toward the staircase.
Upstairs, a door opened and closed.
“Come over,” I told Denise.
“Please.””
“I'll be there in twenty minutes.””
When I ended the callCome over,” I told Denise.
“Please.””
“I'll be there in twenty minutes.””
When I ended the call, I heard footsteps behind me.
Sarah stood at the kitchen entrance wearing a, I heard footsteps behind me.
Sarah stood at the kitchen entrance wearing a different outfit. She had changed into black trousers and a cream blouse. A suitcase rested at the bottom of the stairs.
Her face different outfit. She had changed into black trousers and a cream blouse. A suitcase rested at the bottom of the stairs.
Her face was composed, but her eyes were swollen.
“Denise is coming here?”” she asked.
I didn't answer.
“She has no business involving was composed, but her eyes were swollen.
“Denise is coming here?”” she asked.
I didn't answer.
“She has no business involving herself in our marriage.””
“She was involved when our mother gave her a letter concerning her grandson.””
Sarah's mouth tightened.
herself in our marriage.””
“She was involved when our mother gave her a letter concerning her grandson.””
Sarah's mouth tightened.
“You don't even know what's in that letter.””
“Neither do you, apparently.””
She stepped farther into the kitchen.
“I know enough“You don't even know what's in that letter.””
“Neither do you, apparently.””
She stepped farther into the kitchen.
“I know enough to understand that your mother never trusted me.””
“Did she have a reason not to?””
Sarah to understand that your mother never trusted me.””
“Did she have a reason not to?””
Sarah stared at me.
For a second, I thought she might tell me everything. Her lips parted, and her eyes moved toward the stairs.
Then her expression hardened again.
“You stared at me.
For a second, I thought she might tell me everything. Her lips parted, and her eyes moved toward the stairs.
Then her expression hardened again.
“You have always made me feel like I was competing with a ghost.””
I took have always made me feel like I was competing with a ghost.””
I took a slow breath.
“Renee has been dead for eight years. You are the woman a slow breath.
“Renee has been dead for eight years. You are the woman I chose to marry. You were never competing with her.””
“That's easy for you to say I chose to marry. You were never competing with her.””
“That's easy for you to say.””
“Then help me understand what you've been competing with.””
Sarah laughed bitterly.
“Her perfect memory. Her perfect place in Michael's life..””
“Then help me understand what you've been competing with.””
Sarah laughed bitterly.
“Her perfect memory. Her perfect place in Michael's life. Your mother's endless stories about how wonderful she was. Every time Michael looked sad, everybody acted like I had done something wrong.””
“ Your mother's endless stories about how wonderful she was. Every time Michael looked sad, everybody acted like I had done something wrong.””
“Did you think taking his mother's belongings would make him stop missing her?””
“I thoughtDid you think taking his mother's belongings would make him stop missing her?””
“I thought he needed to move forward.””
“By pretending she never existed?””
“I never said that!””
“You told him his attachment to his mother was disgusting.””
Her he needed to move forward.””
“By pretending she never existed?””
“I never said that!””
“You told him his attachment to his mother was disgusting.””
Her face changed.
“I was angry.””
“So was he. He's sixteen, Sarah. He face changed.
“I was angry.””
“So was he. He's sixteen, Sarah. He doesn't have the power to make you feel small in your own house.
You had the power to make him feel small doesn't have the power to make you feel small in your own house. You had the power to make him feel small in his.””
She looked away.
I waited.
Finally, she whispered, “I didn't throw the box away.””
The in his.””
She looked away.
I waited.
Finally, she whispered, “I didn't throw the box away.””
The admission hit me so hard that I had to steady myself against the counter.
“Where is it?””
She looked toward admission hit me so hard that I had to steady myself against the counter.
“Where is it?””
She looked toward the staircase again.
“In the storage room.””
“Then bring it here.””
“It's the staircase again.
“In the storage room.””
“Then bring it here.””
“It's not that simple.””
“Why?””
She pressed her lips together.
“Because I took something out of not that simple.””
“Why?””
She pressed her lips together.
“Because I took something out of it.””
“What did you take?””
She shook her head.
“I need to explain.””
“Then it.””
“What did you take?””
She shook her head.
“I need to explain.””
“Then explain.””
“Not here.””
I stared at her.
“Where would you prefer? Another room where Michael can't hear you explain.””
“Not here.””
I stared at her.
“Where would you prefer? Another room where Michael can't hear you? Another conversation where you can decide what parts of the truth I'm allowed to know?””
Her eyes filled with tears,? Another conversation where you can decide what parts of the truth I'm allowed to know?””
Her eyes filled with tears, but I could no longer tell whether they came from regret, fear, or anger at having lost control.
“I didn't want to hurt him but I could no longer tell whether they came from regret, fear, or anger at having lost control.
“I didn't want to hurt him,” she said.
“You hurt him anyway.””
“I know.””
“Then tell me what you took.””
She looked at me for a long time.
“A,” she said.
“You hurt him anyway.””
“I know.””
“Then tell me what you took.””
She looked at me for a long time.
“A letter.””
My pulse quickened.
“Renee's letter?””
“I don't know if it was from Renee.””
“You took letter.””
My pulse quickened.
“Renee's letter?””
“I don't know if it was from Renee.””
“You took a letter from the box and you don't know who wrote it?””
“I didn't read all of it.””
“Sarah.””
She fl a letter from the box and you don't know who wrote it?””
“I didn't read all of it.””
“Sarah.””
She flinched at the sound of her name.
“I readinched at the sound of her name.
“I read enough to understand why your mother wanted it hidden.””
I stepped closer.
“My mother didn't hide anything from me. She kept a letter until Michael was ready to receive it.””
“You don't know that.””
“Then tell me what enough to understand why your mother wanted it hidden.””
I stepped closer.
“My mother didn't hide anything from me. She kept a letter until Michael was ready to receive it.””
“You don't know that.””
“Then tell me what you read.””
Sarah's eyes filled again.
Before she could answer, a voice came from the stairs.
“Dad?””
Michael stood there, his you read.””
Sarah's eyes filled again.
Before she could answer, a voice came from the stairs.
“Dad?””
Michael stood there, his face pale.
He had heard enough to understand that the missing box wasn't lost. It was being face pale.
He had heard enough to understand that the missing box wasn't lost. It was being withheld.
“Is it true?”” he asked.
I turned toward him.
“What, son?””
“Did she take Mom's letter?””
Sarah covered her mouth.
Michael stared at her, and something in his expression seemed withheld.
“Is it true?”” he asked.
I turned toward him.
“What, son?””
“Did she take Mom's letter?””
Sarah covered her mouth.
Michael stared at her, and something in his expression seemed to collapse.
“You told me there was nothing important in the box.””
“Michael, I can explain.””
“No.”” His voice to collapse.
“You told me there was nothing important in the box.””
“Michael, I can explain.””
“No.”” His voice cracked.
“You told me it was junk.””
He came down the remaining cracked.
“You told me it was junk.””
He came down the remaining stairs slowly.
“You told me Grandma was dead and nobody cared about those things anymore.””
Sarah took a step toward him.
He stepped back stairs slowly.
“You told me Grandma was dead and nobody cared about those things anymore.””
Sarah took a step toward him.
He stepped back.
That small movement stopped her more effectively than anything I had said.
Michael wiped his face with his sleeve.
“Was there something.
That small movement stopped her more effectively than anything I had said.
Michael wiped his face with his sleeve.
“Was there something in there about Mom?””
Sarah couldn't answer.
I moved beside my son, in there about Mom?””
Sarah couldn't answer.
I moved beside my son, but I didn't touch him. I wanted him to know that he could decide how close he needed me but I didn't touch him. I wanted him to know that he could decide how close he needed me to be.
“Sarah,” I said, “you have one chance to tell us where the letter is.””
She looked at Michael.
Then she whispered, “I put to be.
“Sarah,” I said, “you have one chance to tell us where the letter is.””
She looked at Michael.
Then she whispered, “I put it somewhere safe.””
Michael let out a broken laugh.
“That's what you said about the box.””
For the first time since I had met her, Sarah looked genuinely ashamed it somewhere safe.””
Michael let out a broken laugh.
“That's what you said about the box.””
For the first time since I had met her, Sarah looked genuinely ashamed.
And then she said the one thing that made me understand this wasn't simply about a keepsake.
“Your mother wrote something about the.
And then she said the one thing that made me understand this wasn't simply about a keepsake.
“Your mother wrote something about the night she died,” she told Michael.
“Something that I thought your father should never have to read.””
Michael went completely still.
I felt my blood turn night she died,” she told Michael.
“Something that I thought your father should never have to read.””
Michael went completely still.
I felt my blood turn cold.
“What did Renee write?””
Sarah looked at me.
“I think she knew she was going to die.””
The kitchen fell silent.
Because cold.
“What did Renee write?””
Sarah looked at me.
“I think she knew she was going to die.””
The kitchen fell silent.
Because Renee had never told me that.
And if she had written those words, I needed Renee had never told me that.
May you like
And if she had written those words, I needed to know why my wife had decided that keeping them from us was worth hurting a child she claimed to love.
to know why my wife had decided that keeping them from us was worth hurting a child she claimed to love.
