Chapter 6: The Cost of Being Present
By the time the family orientation ended, Marcus had filled six pages of notes.
He had written down dorm move-in dates, the financial aid office's contact information, the deadline for submitting medical forms, and the date of Nia's first academic advising appointment.
Nia noticed the notes when they returned to the car.
"You took all that down?""
Marcus glanced at the folder.
"I didn't want to forget anything.""
She looked out the passenger window.
"Okay.""
It wasn't much of a response, but he understood that she wasn't ready to reward him for doing something a parent should have done without being praised.
On the drive home, Nia talked about a student she had met during the housing session. The girl planned to study biology and had grown up in Maryland. They had exchanged phone numbers and discussed possibly choosing the same residence hall.
Marcus listened, asking questions when appropriate.
He didn't interrupt to tell her what he thought she should do.
When they arrived home, Jordan was in the driveway practicing basketball shots.
He spotted the car and ran over.
"How was it?""
Nia smiled slightly.
"It was good.""
Jordan looked at Marcus.
"You went to all of it?""
"Every session.""
Jordan grinned.
"Nice.""
Nia raised an eyebrow.
"What?""
"Nothing. Just glad you had a good day.""
She studied him, then laughed softly.
"You're acting like Dad climbed Mount Everest.""
Jordan shrugged.
"Given recent events, I figured it deserved a little recognition.""
Marcus winced.
Jordan immediately sobered.
"Sorry.""
"No," Marcus said.
"You don't need to apologize for telling the truth.""
The three of them stood in the driveway for a moment, unsure what to do with the honesty that had begun replacing their old habit of pretending everything was fine.
Then Nia headed inside.
Marcus watched her go.
Jordan bounced the ball once and caught it.
"You okay, Dad?""
Marcus gave a tired laugh.
"That's a complicated question.""
"Yeah.""
Marcus looked at his son.
"I've been thinking about something you said. About not wanting to win things if winning meant your sister had to lose me.""
Jordan lowered the ball.
"I meant it.""
"I know.""
Marcus took a breath.
"I don't want either of you to feel like you have to compete for my attention. That's something I need to fix.""
Jordan nodded.
"Then fix it.""
The simplicity of the answer surprised Marcus.
He had spent days searching for the perfect words, the right gesture, the grand act that might demonstrate how much he cared.
His son was telling him to stop talking and start doing.
"I will," Marcus said.
Jordan pointed the basketball toward the hoop.
"Good. Because I have a tournament next month, and I want you there.""
Marcus nodded.
"I'll be there.""
Jordan's expression became serious.
"And if Nia has something that day?""
Marcus paused.
"Then I'll make sure we work out a plan before the day arrives. I'm not going to leave either of you guessing.""
Jordan seemed satisfied.
He turned back toward the hoop.
Marcus entered the house and found Denise folding laundry on the sofa.
She looked up as he approached.
"How did it go?""
"Good.""
"Just good?""
He sat beside her.
"She talked to me. We got through the sessions. She told me about a friend she met.""
Denise smiled.
"That's wonderful.""
Marcus stared at his hands.
"I wanted to ask her if she had a good time with me.""
Denise waited.
"But I didn't.""
"Why not?""
"Because I realized I wanted her to tell me I was doing better. I wanted her to reassure me that things were getting back to normal.""
Denise set a folded towel aside.
"And what did you do instead?""
"I let the day be about her.""
She studied him.
"That's a good start.""
Marcus nodded.
He knew she was right, but he also knew that one good day could become another excuse if he allowed himself to believe it had solved everything.
That evening, he sat at the dining table and reviewed the coming month's calendar.
He noticed that Jordan's basketball tournament fell on the same Saturday as Nia's scholarship recognition luncheon. The luncheon was being held by a local foundation that had helped fund her first year at Howard. Nia was scheduled to receive a certificate and meet the donors who had supported her education.
The tournament was important, too. Jordan's coach had told Marcus that several college scouts might attend.
Marcus stared at the two entries.
His first instinct was to look for the easiest solution.
Perhaps he could attend the first half of the tournament, then drive to the luncheon. Perhaps Denise could attend one event while he attended the other.
But he remembered the empty seat.
He remembered how Nia had searched for him while pretending she wasn't disappointed.
This time, he wouldn't wait until the last minute to decide which child would have to understand.
He called the basketball coach.
"Coach Daniels, this is Marcus Carter. I'm calling about Jordan's tournament next month.""
The coach greeted him warmly and confirmed the schedule.
Marcus explained the conflict.
There was a pause.
"That's a big weekend," the coach said.
"We'd love to have you there, especially with scouts coming. But family obligations happen.""
"I want to support Jordan. I'm trying to figure out the schedule so I can plan properly.""
The coach offered the tentative game times. Jordan's team would play twice, once in the morning and again in the afternoon, depending on the results of the opening round.
The scholarship luncheon was scheduled for eleven thirty.
Marcus thanked the coach and ended the call.
He didn't yet have a perfect solution.
But he had time to find one.
The next morning, he approached Nia at breakfast.
"I noticed your scholarship luncheon is on the same day as Jordan's tournament.""
Her fork stopped halfway to her mouth.
"Okay.""
"I've spoken to his coach. The schedule is still tentative, but I'm trying to work out the timing.""
Nia put down her fork.
"Why are you telling me?""
"Because I don't want you finding out at the last minute that I can't make it.""
She stared at him.
"And what happens if the games overlap?""
Marcus forced himself to answer honestly.
"I don't know yet. I'm working on it. But I won't promise you something until I know I can follow through.""
Nia looked almost suspicious of the answer.
"You're not going to tell me I should understand because it's important for Jordan?""
"No.""
"You're not going to say the luncheon isn't a big deal because I'll have other opportunities?""
"No.""
She looked down at her plate.
"Okay.""
Marcus waited.
Finally, she said, "I want you there.""
Her voice was quiet, but the words carried a weight he felt immediately.
"I know.""
"No, Dad. I want you there because I worked hard for that scholarship. I want the people who helped me get to college to see that my family supports me.""
Marcus nodded.
"Then that's what we're going to work toward.""
Nia looked up sharply.
"We?""
"If you'll let me help figure it out.""
She studied him for a long moment.
"Okay. But don't tell me it's handled until it actually is.""
"I won't.""
For the next week, Marcus worked on the problem.
He spoke with the coach again, confirmed that Jordan's opening game would begin at nine, and learned that the team wouldn't play its second game until later in the afternoon. He arranged to attend the morning game, then leave early enough to reach the luncheon.
He also spoke with Jordan.
"I need to make sure you're okay with the plan," he said.
Jordan frowned.
"What plan?""
Marcus explained the schedule.
Jordan looked at him for several seconds.
"So you're coming to my first game, then going to Nia's luncheon?""
"Yes.""
"And Mom can stay for my second game?""
"She said she'd be there.""
Jordan bounced his knee.
"That's fine.""
Marcus studied him.
"Are you sure?""
Jordan looked offended.
"Why wouldn't I be?""
"Because I know how much this tournament means to you.""
"It does mean a lot.""
"Then I want you to tell me if you're disappointed.""
Jordan leaned back.
"I'm disappointed you missed her graduation. I'm not disappointed that you're trying to do better now.""
Marcus felt his eyes burn.
Jordan continued.
"Besides, I'm not playing basketball to make you proud of me. I'm playing because I love it. I don't need you to be in every seat in the gym.""
He paused.
"But when you say you'll be there, I want you to mean it.""
Marcus nodded slowly.
"I understand.""
"Good.""
Jordan returned to his phone.
Marcus walked away with a feeling he hadn't expected.
He had assumed that giving each child equal attention would require constant negotiation, careful calculations, and difficult choices.
But what his children wanted wasn't a perfect division of his time.
They wanted to know they mattered before a conflict arose.
They wanted him to think about them before they had to beg.
On Friday evening, Nia came downstairs carrying her laptop.
Marcus was reviewing work emails at the dining table.
"Can I ask you something?""
He closed the laptop.
"Of course.""
She sat opposite him.
"Why did you miss my graduation?""
Marcus's stomach tightened.
He had answered the question many times in his own head, but never to her satisfaction.
"I was afraid of missing Jordan's championship game," he said.
"I knew how important it was to him, and I let that fear make the decision for me.""
Nia watched him.
"So you were afraid of disappointing him.""
"Yes.""
"But you weren't afraid of disappointing me.""
Marcus looked down.
"I think I convinced myself you would understand. I thought you were independent, that you were older, that you didn't need me the way Jordan did.""
Nia's eyes filled.
"I needed you, Dad.""
"I know.""
"No, I don't think you do."" Her voice trembled.
"I needed you to be proud of me when I looked out into that audience. I needed you to see me walk across the stage. I needed to know that all the times I tried to be responsible and mature didn't mean I had to stop being your little girl.""
Marcus pressed his palms against the table.
He wanted to reach for her hand, but he remembered the way she had recoiled from him in the living room.
So he stayed where he was.
"You were never supposed to have to stop being my little girl," he said.
"But you treated me like I didn't need you anymore.""
"Yes.""
The admission left him feeling exposed.
He continued.
"I made your independence an excuse to give you less of my attention. That's on me. You shouldn't have had to become quieter to make my life easier.""
Nia looked at him for a long time.
Then she wiped her cheeks.
"I don't know when I'll stop being angry.""
Marcus nodded.
"You don't have to know.""
"I might still get upset about graduation months from now.""
"I understand.""
"And I might not want to talk about it with you every time.""
"That's okay.""
She lowered her eyes.
"I just don't want you to think that because I'm letting you come to things again, everything is fixed.""
Marcus felt the truth of that settle into him.
"I won't.""
Nia stood and picked up her laptop.
At the doorway, she stopped.
"Thank you for telling me the truth.""
Marcus looked up.
"You're welcome.""
She hesitated.
Then, for the first time since graduation, she gave him a small, genuine smile.
It disappeared almost immediately, but he had seen it.
He didn't chase it.
He didn't ask her to smile again.
He simply watched her leave the room, carrying the fragile possibility of a relationship that might still be repaired.
Later that night, Marcus stood alone beside the framed graduation photograph.
He had begun to understand that the hardest part of becoming a better father would not be attending events or rearranging his schedule.
It would be accepting that his daughter might remember the hurt long after he had changed his behavior.
He could not ask her to heal on his timetable.
He could not make her trust him because he was finally ready to deserve it.
All he could do was show up again.
And again.
May you like
And again.
Until his promises stopped sounding like promises and became something she could believe without having to convince herself.
